Jack Snark
by Mordreds Girl
Summary: Jack tells all. After PB and no CoR
1. Chapter 1

Don't forget to put a little disclaimer here, stating you as the author, the title, the rating, maybe a sentence about the contents, etc

Thanks to Domino for the Beta.

_Warning: This one-shot has been know to ruin desks, don't read if you are A)drinking anything or are B)at your desk. This has been a pubic safety warning from the National Desk Saving Association _"Remember we can save the office, one desk at a time."_ Thank you for reading._

Woah, I thought they only did the really bright light thing in movies, is there a two way mirror too?

Geez. . .chill.

First things first, he never once hurt me. Does that surprise you, a fuckin' monster like him not smacking me around whenever he can? He loves me you know, in his own strange twisted way. By the way**,** I never know where we're going until we get there so it's useless asking me where he's gone.

How old am I? Seventeen, legal for everything but cigs. Been traveling with him since the crash five years ago. He thought he'd left me with Imam but I snuck aboard his ship. He got really pissed when he found me scrounging around the kitchen, but by then it was too late to turn back. At the beginning of every run he'd tell me that when we were done he'd be taking me back to Helion Prime and every time yet he never did.

For a mass murdering fuck head he was always very patient with me, teaching me anything I wanted to learn: how to pilot, pickpocket, hack, plot courses, fight, mathematics, hell, even dancing. No, he didn't teach me how to kill, thought I've learned by watching him. I'm the best bait he's ever used, 'you'd make the saints kill each other just to have you' he told me once.

You guys are fuckin' sick. What, you think we started screwing like rabbits right after he found me on the ship? You should give him more credit than that. Hell! You should give _me_ more credit than that. The first three years we traveled together**,** he was like the older brother everyone always wanted. After I turned sixteen _I_ decided I didn't want it to stay that way and made the first move.

By the way, I am soooo not drinking that shit, you guys are failing the good cop test big time.

What's it like traveling with him? Has this suddenly turned into _Last Interviewer Standing_ or are you thinking about selling this when you're done with me? It's like going out in public not wearing any underwear and no one knows it but you, a big of a rush that gets old with time. That descriptive enough for you? Or better yet: it's like taking a piss and realizing you put your underwear on inside out that morning, but you're so embarrassed that you just go on your way without changing it and you've got to deal with it for the rest of the day. In other words it's annoying and so freakin' mundane you would not believe it.

Wow you guys really are horrible, the lights go out and suddenly you're like little kids, 'Mommy. Mommy! There are monsters under the bed!' I thought cops were supposed to be tough-as-nails.

Now really! That's no way to treat a prisoner. Don't you guys know anything?

Took you long enough. Don't look at me like that, it's not my fault that cop saw us together. Heh, that's an interesting mental image.

But if I'm not clinging to you how on earth am I going to find my way out? That's what you always say, can't you think of something new every once in a while? Or is your brain so full of death that you can't think of anything else? I've seen your journal, it's quite depressing. Breakfast, shower, death, death, death, death, death, lunch, death, death, death, cup of tea and a good book, death, death, bug Jack, death, death, dinner, sex, sleep. You should branch out, you know have a hobby.

I don't know, Bonsai. Oh! Oh! I know! Writing! You could make a killing doing comedy. It'd be like those three stooges dudes, but better.

Fine. This is me shutting the hell up.

Oh, so _now_ you want me to talk. Asshole.

Blah, blah, blah. Just kiss me already!

It's good to see you too Riddick.

BTW if you've got any idea for more Jack!Snark feel free to leave them in your comment, who knows I might just use it!


	2. Sick Day

Inspired by me. . .I'm really sick. My RA suggested a green tea mix for me and I tried it and it tasted horrible. . .and thus you get this. Not really snark but an amusing piece anyways

He handed me a cup of something that looked and smelt like tea.

"Just drink it," he growled. Bringing the cup up to my mouth I took a large sip. And then promptly spit it back out.

"Jesus Christ Riddick, this stuff's horrible!" He just raised an eyebrow and took the cup from me. "It's not that bad," he replied after taking his own sip. Which proved he was a masochist, no normal person would drink that swill. He held out the cup for me again and I ignored it, instead I took a cough drop from the bag in my lap and popping it into my mouth. For a few moments I basked in the wondrous feeling of a normal throat.

Then I sneezed, sending the cough drop flying. It's short flight ended when it hit Riddick's pants and stuck there.

I couldn't help it, I laughed.


End file.
